The Truth Regional News » Gwen Randall-Young

Put Yourself in Your Opponent’s Position

Administrator — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:59:08 +0000

Sometimes when we have a difference of opinion with another we become locked into our respective positions, and simply get stuck. It seems we just cannot bypass the deadlock, and stress or unhappiness builds on both sides. The more strongly we argue for our viewpoint, the less able we are to see the other side of the issue.

There is a technique which can be very helpful. It is a process of surrender, but this does not mean giving up our position completely. The surrender occurs, at first, only in the mind.

What you do is to take a time out from the discussion. Find a quiet spot, and put yourself into the place of your ‘opponent’. Try to imagine what he or she is feeling. Think of the things that person has been saying to you (even if they are about you), and imagine, for the moment, that they are true. If you were that person, what is it, deep down, that you would be wanting. Think of the kind of response you would want if you were the other person.

Once you have completed this process, you still may be holding to your original position, but you can respond differently now. You can go back to the discussion telling your ‘opponent’ that after some thought, you can understand how he or she is feeling. Once you explain you understand their point of view, you will see them visibly soften. They will probably want to tell you a little more, now that you are listening. Just listen. They will then be more open to hearing your point of view, since they no longer have to try to hard to get you to understand theirs. Together you can discuss a compromise (there generally is one).

This is process is a very powerful key to improving communication. In the process, it deepens the trust, intimacy and connection within the relationship itself. Give it a try.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

Coping with Life After Childbirth

Administrator — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 23:00:38 +0000

Every woman’s experience with childbirth is different. For some, it is relatively easy and uncomplicated. For others, there may be varying degrees of difficulty, fear, and even trauma.

Once the baby is born, all of the focus shifts immediately to the newborn. The mother is often left to process her feelings and reactions to the birth process on her own. All of the training and reading beforehand was supposed to prepare her, but there is an extent to which we cannot be prepared for what we will experience when we actually go through it.

I believe that in addition to shifts in hormones, a woman’s experiences during birth may contribute to post partum depression. This may be particularly true in the case of a C-section. While this surgery may be considered quite routine, it is still a major trauma to the body, as is any major surgery. In addition, as the mother is either anesthetized or heavily drugged, the bonding experience right after birth is not the same. This is not to say the mother does not bond with her baby, only that it is unlikely that she gets to hold and nurse the child until at least several hours after giving birth.

Very soon after either kind of delivery, the mother is wrapped up in the care of her infant, and she must put the birthing experience behind her. However, emotions, and physical sensations are stored in consciousness, even if beneath the level of awareness. A mother may have sensations of sadness, vulnerability, and even detachment, which may surface months after the birth. If she does not understand where these feelings are coming from, she may think there is something wrong with her.

If, particularly in the year following the birth of a child, you are feeling depressed or despondent, it may be wise to address the psychological aspects of your birthing experience with an experienced therapist.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

Pain From Childhood

Administrator — Sun, 15 May 2011 15:08:34 +0000

Psychology for Living by Gwen Randall-Young

Pain From Childhood

A question was put to me recently, as to how we can deal with childhood pain without making our parents ‘bad guys’. If they continue to exhibit dysfunctional or hurtful behaviors, we may have chosen to keep distance in the relationship so it is not so much of an issue. Sometimes, however, parents who may have treated us harshly years ago, have mellowed into caring, supportive grandparents.

If we have some buried hurts and resentments, dealing with them may feel like being disloyal to parents, and perhaps hurting them. Not dealing with those hurts may create problems in our other relationships. Even in adulthood then, the hurt child is still protecting and defending the adults who hurt him or her.

There is a way past this dilemma. You can do healing without confronting parents, or even talking to them about past issues. Sometimes it is important to do so. But if reluctance to do so blocks a healing process, then we can find ways to heal that do not involve confrontation.

Even if we do talk to them, parents cannot take away our childhood pain. The pain we experience as adults is more from the negative messages we gave ourselves as a result of the childhood hurts, than from the hurts themselves. Parents may have made you feel like a bad person, or a stupid person. The present day pain, though, comes from you telling yourself you are bad or stupid.

The peace we must make is between our own inner critic, and our inner child. First we must acknowledge our pain, by listening to the hurts of our inner child without rationalizing them away. Then we must acknowledge and validate our worth. Our parents had a strong influence on how we felt about ourselves as children. Once we become adults, it’s up to us.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

Psychology for Living

Administrator — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 23:30:33 +0000

Gwen Randall-Young

About Dating

One of my faithful readers posed an interesting question. Is it possible for an unmarried man to be dating two women at the same time without feeling guilty? This is a good question, because it cannot be answered simply, and leads to a discussion of deeper issues. The answer is, of course, that it depends.

Back in the sixties, you could only have one friend of the opposite sex. Once you were dating, you were going together. After you went together for a while, you got married. Consequently, many people married someone just because they started dating them, and never had the opportunity to see what else was out there.

What attracted a couple at eighteen years old may not be what attracts them at thirty. There are many biological, physical, emotional and psychological factors in our attraction to another person. Some of those may have nothing to do with the person. It may be that we do not want to be alone, or that we have projected our own ideas of what we want onto another. Perhaps the person is attractive, and friends are impressed.

It is one thing to love someone, and another to live together day after day, year after year, in a compatible, mutually satisfying way. You need to know someone well enough to understand their darker side, their insecurities, and the way they respond to stress in the relationship. It is a good thing to have had more than one relationship so that you have a basis for comparison. The anger, jealousy, or insecurities of your partner may seem normal, until you have experienced a partner who is free of those debilitating emotions.

Marriages that occur after both partners have been in relationships, and consciously choose their lifelong partner because he/she is the best, have a much better chance of survival, than those where the couple drift into marriage because they have been dating for so long.

Having said that, let’s return to the question about dating two women at the same time. There is nothing to feel guilty about if everyone is on the same page. If the women know that you are dating others and are not in an exclusive relationship with anyone, then fair enough. If they are comfortable with that, you can be too.

However, if either one, or both, think they are in an exclusive relationship with you, you are playing with fire and you will get burned (severely) when they find out. These things have a way of coming back to haunt you. Should one of the women turn out to be someone you want to spend your life with, and she finds out you were secretly dating someone else at the same time as her, she may never be able to trust you. Honesty, once again, seems the best policy.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

Marital Difficulties with Seniors

Administrator — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 16:25:09 +0000

Psychology for Living
Gwen Randall-Young

Marital Difficulties with Seniors

I was recently asked to address the issue of elderly parents who are having marital difficulties. Often couples who are in mid-life are distressed by the struggles they witness between their parents. It may be that the problems have been there all along, or perhaps they have developed in the later years. Either way, it is painful to see parents unhappy, fighting with each other, or living in cold silence.

Sometimes a couple can have their spats, but are actually content with each other. Other times, being together has become increasingly difficult, to the point that it may be affecting the health of one or the other. No one wants to see an elderly couple go through divorce and face living alone after so many years of marriage.

It need not come to this, unless one is being abused, or would find it less painful to live alone than to go on struggling every day. It is not really healthy for the adult children to try to arbitrate either. Parents may perceive them as taking sides, and there may be hurt feelings all around.

Counselling is often the best solution. Seniors may resist this idea either because they feel awkward about the process or embarrassed to have a stranger know what goes on between them. They may also feel that it is too late for them to be helped. In reality, there can be a great sense of relief to find that many couples regardless of age share the same problems. Anxiety can be relieved when each person feels validated by the therapist, who allows neither to overpower the other. Stress is reduced when suggestions are made for dealing with differences, and strategies provided for avoiding difficulties.

Many older people do not talk about their feelings, and end up having all kinds of pain locked up inside. In a safe atmosphere they may be guided into healthier patterns, and assisted to see the strengths in their relationship.

One of the rewards of a long marriage is to have comfort, companionship and support in the later years. It is never too late for a couple to try to recapture or develop those qualities. They just may need a little help.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

When the Marriage is Over

Administrator — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 18:20:53 +0000

“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on.” ~ Blaine Lee

Life often surprises us in unexpected and unpleasant ways. When we get married, most of us assume we will share the rest of our life with our beloved. We see ourselves building a life: getting a home, perhaps having a family, enjoying graduations and weddings, retirement and being grandparents together.
Sometimes it turns out not to be happily ever after. There may be a slow growing apart, a stormy history of conflict, hurt and resentment, or a shocking end triggered by infidelity, or a partner falling out of love.
This throws us into crisis, regardless of the role we play. Even one who ends the relationship will go through a grieving process. There is grief for the lost dreams, the future that will never be, the changes in the lives of children, the loss of extended family, and often, the loss of the family home.
The one who has been left will feel all of this grief, plus the sense of unfairness, betrayal and intense pain. There may be fear for the future, and even a temporary loss of identity or that part of one’s identity that was tied to the relationship.
There must be time for grieving the losses, but there also must eventually be a letting go of the old life and a building of the new.
If the focus is on how this should never have happened and now life is ruined, there will be only bitterness, resentment, negativity, depression and even anxiety.
If, on the other hand we can allow for the possibility that a higher plan is unfolding which will serve our highest good, even if at the moment it makes no sense, we can begin to move forward.
Our first steps may be tentative, and we take a few steps forward and then a few back, but slowly we will move ahead. We must hold to the belief that some good will ultimately come, and practice patience until we see it.
We can make the choice to be a survivor rather than a victim. This choice will make all the difference.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

If You Loved Me You Would Know

Administrator — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:56:03 +0000

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” ~ Anthony Robbins

Sometimes in relationships we say, “If you loved me, you would know!” This is based on the belief that that if someone really loves us, they will anticipate our every need. It is also based on the belief that it is that person’s responsibility to keep us happy.
Unfortunately, neither of those beliefs is true. There are many ways to feel love, and more ways to express it. To suggest to a partner that because he/she did not do what we expected, that proves they do not love us, is faulty logic, but extremely hurtful as well.
This may all go back to childhood. When we received a treat, or our parents did something special for us, we may have felt special and very much loved. These things made us happy. The inner child may yearn for that special feeling and look to the adult partner to provide it.
It is a parent’s job to anticipate the need of their child, as well as to nurture them, validate them, show affection to them and make them feel special. If we are constantly looking for these things in relationship, we need to do some work on our own inner child issues.
This is not to say that healthy adults do not need to nurture one another, show affection and value one another. It is just that in mature adult relationships we do not need this all the time, nor do we make the partner feel guilty if it is not there when we need it.
What we do instead is to let our partner know what we need, and how that need could be met. “I’m feeling kind of sad and could really use a hug,” or “We’ve both been so busy lately, I’d really like to plan an evening for just the two of us.”
When you think about it, it makes so much more sense to simply ask for what we need, rather than to be angry and resentful because our partner is not a mind-reader.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

Eliminate Worry, Create Contentment

Administrator — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:05:16 +0000

“Worry is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.” ~ Author Unknown

Rocking Chair

         Most people worry some of the time. Some people worry most of the time. A little bit of worry now and again is normal, but constant worrying is not. The minds of worriers seem to be able to manufacture an infinite number of things to focus upon.
            Some suffer from anxiety, and the anxiety causes them to over-worry. It can become disabling. Therapy can be helpful, and sometimes medication brings relief. For others, worry is a habit. It is a tendency to focus on the negative, and then to dwell on it. The worrier can create a whole list of “what if?” scenarios.
            The worrier may think he or she is doing something constructive by being alert to all that could go wrong, but unless some positive, preventative action is taken, the worry accomplishes nothing besides creating anxiety and distress.
            Some worry too much about other people, spending time criticizing the actions or beliefs of others. They may get some satisfaction in feeling they are somehow better than those they are judging, but in the long run this does not bring peace or happiness.
            It is really not so much anything going on outside of us that determines how we feel in life, but rather it is the environment we create within our own hearts and minds. If we want to be content, we can increase our chances of creating that by taking a few simple steps: 1) Banish negative thinking. If you catch yourself having negative thoughts, stop immediately and think of positive things. 2) If a worry comes up, ask yourself if it is realistic to worry about this, if there is positive action you can take, and if it is, in fact, any of your business! 3) Adopt a live-and-let live attitude to others. We are all on our own journey and are at different places in our evolution. Sure, there will be those who are less evolved that we are, but there will also be those who are wiser and more effective than we are. Keep your focus on how you are doing, and how you can live from your highest self.
            Remember too, that most of what we worry about never happens. Immerse yourself in things you love and that bring you joy, and celebrate the good things in your life. No matter what happens, we always have a choice about how to think about it. If we can’t change it or find anything positive in it, then we just have to let it go.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

Burnout and Quick Fixes

Administrator — Mon, 03 May 2010 18:10:48 +0000

Psychology for Living – Gwen Randall-Young
Burnout and Quick Fixes

Fix it (Click image to enlarge)

I once gave a talk on the subject of “burnout”, and afterwards one of the participants indicated that what she had really been hoping for was a quick fix. I thought about this, and the only quick fixes I could come up with were winning a lottery, or a frontal lobotomy.

Burnout is a little like the process of gaining weight. It happens little by little, over time. Crash diets don’t work, and what is really required is a change in dietary habits and lifestyle. Sure, you might lose some weight by starving yourself for a few weeks, but unless you have made major changes, the weight will come back. Well, think about burnout as the result of “bingeing” on work, or stressful situations. Yes, you could escape to an island getaway for a time. But unless you do something about the day to day stress in your real life, you can feel burned out again only weeks after your vacation.

The quick fix mentality may actually make burnout worse, just as the crash diet exacerbates the weight problem. If we are satisfied with quick fixes, we may never address the real issues. And often the quick fixes we want involve changes in other people or situations. So I suppose I must settle for being an advocate of the slow, steady fix.

Life, for most, is a long term proposition. It’s worth the effort to learn to live it in a way that feels good, and that honors both ourselves and others. However, doing so involves many challenges. The biggest challenge just might be self-honesty. It can be hard to discern how we really feel in the face of a lifetime of conditioning as to how we should feel. It can be difficult to face up to the fact that our views are very different from those of our parents, our partners, our friends or our children. Even more difficult is expressing those differences, particularly if we fear that expressing them will create discomfort in those relationships. Burnout is ignited in that space between what we really want, and what we feel is expected of us. The bigger the space, and the longer it exists, the more we get burned.

This is the level at which burnout must be addressed, and not at the level of its symptoms. Massaging those tense muscles is wonderful. Meditating to find inner peace is beautiful. But consider the possibility of being peaceful and relaxed as a way of life. Can you imagine signing up for trip where a “cope kit” was included to help you survive, and to deal with all of the unpleasantness? Perhaps if you had a burning desire to climb Mt. Everest, then the discomfort might be worth it. You certainly would not choose that otherwise.

If we are merely “coping” with life, if we are living at the emotional “survival” level, then perhaps we are on a wrong path. Or on the right path, but doing it the wrong way. If our house were burning down, we would call for help to douse the flames. If our energy, our life, laughter and spirit are burning out, there is a tendency to suffer in silence. We must remember though, there are always choices. Doing nothing is a choice. Going for a quick fix is a choice. Dipping into the deep wisdom of your own Soul is also a choice. Choose carefully; the quality of your life depends upon it.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca

Women in Dominant Relationships

Administrator — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 00:40:30 +0000

Psychology for Living
Gwen Randall-Young

Women in Dominant Relationships

Many women have grown up watching their Mothers being dominated by the man in her life. In many cultures the man is still considered the head of the house. If the Father dominated the Mother, he probably dominated the children as well. So his daughter learned that if the man gets angry, you’d better do what he says, or better still, try not to make him angry in the first place. She may have gone through school, learning that if you did not behave, you would be sent to the principal. Often, the principal was a man, so once again she was conditioned to be a good girl, and avoid the wrath of men. She may even have entered the world of work, only to be faced with a male boss, who had the power to fire her if she did not live up to his expectations. She survives, perhaps even thrives, and goes on to raise a family.

Somewhere, perhaps in her thirties, she realizes that her husband thinks that he’s the head of the family, and she is not living the life she wants to live. She begins to speak her mind (these are liberated times after all), but finds that when she does she is met with anger. No matter how she tries to express herself, it only seems to create problems in the relationship. Maybe he yells at her, puts her down, and negates all that she tries to say. She realizes that now it is her children who are living with the example of a man dominating his wife.

In her heart she knows that what she wants is reasonable, but at the same time she has the same sinking feeling she had as a child, or as a student. She might even feel, (with his help) like a “bad girl” for “making trouble.” The real trouble is, this is her life. What she really wants is a loving relationship with her husband, and a happy family. This is impossible for her unless she feels like an equal partner.

Why? Because as long as he dominates her, making all the rules and calling the shots, he is acting like an authoritarian father rather than a loving husband. She may even withdraw from intimacy, because you just don’t feel intimate towards father figures. Sadly, there are still men who believe that the woman is there essentially to serve him, whether they will openly admit it or not. A marriage will not work if one partner is accorded lesser status. Even if the disempowered one stays, she will not be a happy, vibrant human being. She will not have the opportunity to express all of who she is, and the marriage will become a structure of convenience rather than one of warmth and love.

So what is the answer? Perhaps it is to truly put yourself in her position and ask yourself if you would be happy with the way things are. Ask her what it would take for her to feel better, and work with her to create that. This could be very rewarding. And there is probably less to lose by making some changes, than there is by not making any.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit www.gwen.ca