Entertainment Main

Breathitt Online News Click Here

Photo Archives Click Here

Class Action
By: Alonzo Fugate

5-07-09
The night moved around us, an entity that longed to reach out and strangle but lacked the viscosity to do so. I followed Charlie, the hermit, as he trudged knowingly through the labyrinth of the Eastern Kentucky woods. Although he was real enough, he moved with such swiftness and ease that at times I wondered if I was following a ghost instead of an actual person. He seemed to float with ease across the wooded terrain while I stumbled along clumsily with each foot snagging roots and briars. Still clutching the silver axe, I startled at each sound…jumped at each moving branch.
“Where are we going?” I hissed through gritted teeth, tripping on some hidden branch which lay beneath the thick shag carpet of leaves.
Charlie didn’t speak. He only held up one finger that shouted volumes. I was to follow. I was to listen. I was not to speak. I held my tongue and continued my hitching pace.
After what seemed like hours (but was probably only 30 minutes), we suddenly stopped. Charlie turned to me, his eyes wide and a finger placed dramatically over his clenched lips. With his other hand, he pointed toward a large hole that had been burrowed into the ground. The width of the hole appeared to be at least 20 feet in diameter. Enormous! I was wondering silently what could have made such a deep hole when a load snort filled the air around us. With a low whoosh, a foul stench erupted from the hole and attacked my senses. My eyes watered. My nose ran. My mouth puckered.
Leaning in close, Charlie whispered, “It’s asleep. We’re in luck.”
“What….hack….what in the world is making that awful smell,” I gagged back at him. Another snort had sounded, and I knew that the foul order would soon return.
“Don’t you recognize snores when you hear them?” Charlie looked amused, although I could tell that the smell was getting to him as well. His eyes were starting to turn red and puffy.
“Snores?” I asked, pondering what could be making such loud noises in its sleep.
“Sure,” Charlie grinned, “Do you know how I told you that your axe couldn’t kill the Dar-koth?”
I nodded.
“Well,” Charlie said, “There is something in that hole that can kill anything….even a powerful demon like the Dar-koth. She is called Morvion….and she is asleep. Like I said, we are in luck.”
“Why?” I asked again.
“Because now you can kill it!” Charlie hissed again, “It’s the only way that you are ever going to defeat the Dar-koth! Now come on…follow me!”
I didn’t get a chance to ask him how in the world killing some other creature was going to help me defeat the evil which was following me through the night. I didn’t have time. He took off at a mad dash toward the large, stinking hole that existed like a cancer on the face of the earth. This was all so unnatural….so ethereal…and yet, I felt compelled to run after him. I sure didn’t want to be left alone and helpless in the forest…..easy prey for the Dar-koth. I saw Charlie disappear into the hole in front of me.
“Wait up!” I tried to say in an urgent but low voice, “Don’t run so fast. I can’t keep up!”
I silently cursed myself for getting into this mess. I remembered that all of this had started over a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Why hadn’t I just gone to bed instead? At least I would have been safe…asleep with my dreams. Even nightmares wouldn’t have been as bad.
The dirt was fresh and my feet sank deep into it. The stench was worse now that I was closer. I could actually feel the wind….the rancid breath of the thing….blowing across my skin. It was hot, making me feel as though I were blistering. I knew that if I stayed here much longer that I would suffer burns. I could feel my flesh starting to cook.
Stumbling onward, I once again found myself in a darkness which should only exist in the grave. In the back of my mind, I realized how much like a grave this was. The dirt was fresh. The smell was horrific. And I was terrified out of my mind. Perhaps I was already dead and this was just the result of the last few electrical burps inside my brain. Would all of this fade into nothingness as the rest of my brain went into eternal sleep? Was there no light at the end of the tunnel?
“Stop it!” I muttered to myself. Surely if I were already dead then I would know about it. After all…Ghost Whisperer was one of my favorite shows. I knew that if I were truly dead that help was just one step away….one lovely, well-endowed medium’s gentle smile away.
My mind was whisked away from my fantasy of Jennifer Love Hewitt as I noticed a faint flow up ahead. It was a dim, pulsing light that somehow seemed worse than the darkness. As I continued to trudge down the tunnel of doom, the light grew stronger…although it was still weak.
As I rounded the curve, Charlie leapt toward me and forced his hand over my mouth. It was a blessing that he did so, for I would have surely awoken the monstrosity with my screams if he had not. My eyes nearly popped from my head as my screams of terror erupted into Charlie’s dirty hand instead of the dank, smelly air. My mind ached painfully as it tried to absorb what I was seeing.
The creature…the one that Charlie had called Morvion…appeared to be a cross between a giant spider, an earthworm, and a snake. The body was long, thick and large. It glistened in the darkness with a wormlike sliminess that made my stomach lurch uncomfortably…wanting to spill its contents in a violent vomit eruption. Sprouting from this root of a body grew eight long hairy legs that twitched as the creature slept. Pincers at the end of each leg opened and closed with spasmodic urgency. I could hear them clicking in the still air of the tunnel.
The worst trait however was the fact that this thing had two heads! Each head was long and snakelike. In fact, both heads looked like they belonged on a rattlesnake. That is…if the rattlesnakes were about twenty times their normal size. Each head was cocked at an unnatural position. One head was inhaling and making the snorts which had echoed to our ears outside of the tunnel. It appeared that the other head was the one in charge of exhaling. It continued to blurt and wheeze out volumes of foul air that filled the tunnel with the scent of rot and decay.
The most amazing part of the beast was the fact that its entire body seemed to be glowing. The faint pulsing red light that was lighting the darkness was coming from its body. It was as if the very heart of the creature was made of fire and was burning within its unholy entrails.
Charlie didn’t speak this time. Instead he pointed to the silver axe which was still clutched in my sweaty palms and then pointed to the Morvion. He then made a slicing motion across his throat…not once but twice. He wanted me to kill it. He wanted me to slay this monster…a true dragon…which lay sleeping before me.
Although fear clutched at my feet, wanting to stay me from my task, I knew that I had to do it. I had to kill this unnatural being and wipe it from the face of the earth. It was as if every fiber in my body was tingling….buzzing with electricity.
I stepped closer. I could feel the heat of the dragon as it slept…unaware of its approaching demise. The silver axe began to tremble in my hands. Was it the actual metal….or was it my own flesh….that trembled? I wondered such as I continued to inch closer to the monster.
It was at that moment that I noticed the children. At first I thought that I was seeing double…or into a mirror. Each child was a perfect match of the other. Straight blonde hair…pale skin….thin…..with ragged clothes and large, watchful eyes. I stared at them….and they stared back. And then…..their mouths opened.
Suddenly a loud screech erupted from their lips. I dropped the axe as my hands clasped over my throbbing ears. I wanted to scream…but the breath seemed to have been ripped right from my chest. I turned to seek out Charlie, but he was writhing on the ground and was clawing at his own ears. I turned back.
The children were standing perfectly still. Their large round eyes were still fixed eerily upon me. It was then that it popped into my head. They had to be the twins of whom the oracle had spoken! I had found another piece of the puzzle!
Just then, I heard a low grumble. My heart stopped cold as I turned my eyes to the Morvion. It was awake. Each head was staring at me with cold, dead eyes. In their reflection, I could see my own death! With a loud hiss, one of the heads flew toward me….fangs glistening and dripping with a foaming poison. It was too late to escape!

4-17-09
I awoke in darkness. I was lying on some cold, hard surface which gritted itself into my face. Frantic, I tried to stand. I realized that I was bound with something….rope, wire, vines….I couldn’t say. I only knew that I was captured. The Dar-koth had won.
“You workin’ for him?” a voice slithered through the darkness like some obscene snake awaking from the clutches of winter’s grasp.
My breath caught in my throat. It didn’t sound like the sinister creature that was pursuing me. My struggles increased as I tried to sit up and get my bearings in this confusion. Something…a large stick perhaps…poked me in the back making me wince in pain.
“Don’t try to get up,” the voice growled, “That is…unless you want some bruised kidneys. Just answer the dang question. Are you workin’ for him?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I said as the pain started to subside.
The voice started to chuckle. It wasn’t a pleasant laugh. It was hard and bitter and full of grit.
“Don’t lie to me stranger,” it retorted, “I know that you have been around him. You stink of that creature. I can smell it.”
That creature? Did he mean the…
“Wait!” I yelled out in surprise, “Do you mean the crazy man that is chasing me? Those women back there called it a…Dark something…Dark-oath….Dark-swoth….”
“The Dar-koth,” the man (because it was obviously a man’s voice) answered me, “That creature is called the Dar-koth. It is a demon…a mountain demon. Most people aren’t even aware that they exist.”
“That’s what the women said,” I started to struggle again….trying to sit up and get off of the cold floor. I still couldn’t see anything except darkness.
“You talked with the nuns?” the man asked, sounding surprised, “What did they say?”
“The nuns?” I was shocked. Is that what he thought they were? I guess that in a way they were nuns…of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
“Yeah,” the man chuckled again, although this time he sounded more amused that angry, “They are a pretty weird bunch…but they’re good. And they work for the Good. If they talked to you, they must have wanted to help you. So what happened?”
“They told me to follow the moonstone path,” I answered, feeling foolish at such a childish reply, “And…and to find the hermit.”
Great, I thought. Now he is going to think that I am just some crazy loon running around wild in the forest at night.
For a while, he said nothing. I had started to think that I had just imagined the whole conversation. Perhaps I was just imagining the whole thing. Instead of lying on the ground in the middle of the Eastern Kentucky woods at night, I was in some padded cell somewhere, mumbling to myself about chocolate chip cookies while my wife wept at my cell’s window. Could I really be crazy?
Then I felt the coldness of steel touching my wrists. Was he going to cut me….kill me?
“Wait!” I cried out, but the steel of the knife was not intended for my flesh. Instead, I felt it cut the rope which bound me. I felt the bonds loosen.
“Get up,” the man growled, giving me a kick in the shins to get me moving.
I rolled over and sat up. My legs had fallen asleep. The pins and needles tingling started to set in as I rubbed some blood flow back into them. How I hated that feeling! I guess that it was better than being dead though.
I tried to look around, but the room was still completely dark. I had the feeling that we were in some sort of cave. The air was cool but not cold. I also felt the gritty floor of dirt and stones with my hands. Yes….this was definitely a cave of some sort.
Just then, a single spark lit up the darkness. In that instant, I saw the man who had captured me. He appeared to be about 6 feet tall. He was dressed in a flannel shirt and overalls. What was most shocking about him was his beard…long and full and a dirty colored off white. He looked like the cliché of a mountain man. I could also see that my earlier guess was right….we were in a cave of some sort. I hadn’t even realized that there were caves of this size in Eastern Kentucky!
I saw that he was holding up a lighter so that he could get a better look at me. He just stared for a second and then gave a snort. I couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Then, he lit a cigarette and took a long drag. The glow from the end was like a small red eye that occasionally widened as he started to smoke. The lighter clicked off.
“Want one?” he asked.
“No,” I replied, “Thanks anyway. Those things will kill you.”
“No!” he said matter-of-factly, “The Dar-koth will kill you.”
That shut me up for a minute. He was right though. I might be safe for the moment….I hoped….but the Dar-koth was sure to find me. How was I ever to escape a demon?
For a long time, we just sat there. He smoked while I tried to calm down my jangled nerves. I didn’t think that this man was dangerous. Finally, I got up enough courage to ask the question that was burning inside my brain.
“Ummmm,” I stammered, “Sir….are you? Are you the hermit?”
The cigarette glowed brightly one last time and then fell to the cave’s floor. It vanished underneath what I assumed was his foot. Once again, the lighter clicked on. This time, he used it to light some sort of torch that was attached to the wall with a wad of what appeared to be clay mud. The light was oily, smoky, and gave off a stench. However, it was light. And any light was great after being in darkness for so long.
The man looked at me for the longest time. He seemed to be going over something in his mind.
“I have lived in these woods for twenty-three years,” he finally spoke, “I keep to myself, mostly. I go into town about twice a year. I don’t really cotton to a lot of people. Does that make me a hermit?”
“Ummmm,” I tried to think of a good reply.
“I live in a cave in the middle of the forest,” he continued, “I’ve never married and I don’t have any kids. I don’t have a job, except for cuttin’ down trees for wood, digging ginseng, and growing a few sorry vegetables in a little patch I cleared out. Does that make me a hermit?”
“Aahhhhh,” my eyes shifted to the floor.
“I don’t like people,” he started in again, “People are trouble. I don’t like you! YOU are TROUBLE! You’ve come pokin’ around my house….bringing that THING with you! I don’t care for things like that? Do you understand? Does that make me a hermit?”
“Well…..” I didn’t know what to say.
He finally stopped his ranting. Instead he rushed over to a little niche and pulled out something covered in an old dirty cloth. It looked like a shotgun that was covered up to protect it. Was he going to shoot me? I started to back away.
“Well….I guess that all of those things DO make me a hermit,” the man started to laugh suddenly. It was a cold laugh though. I felt goosebumps rise up on my arms.
“And if what you say is right,” he continued, “If the Dar-koth is after you….if the sisters tried to help you…..if they told you to find me….”
He stopped to unwrap the cloth from around what he was holding in his hands. I could see right away that it wasn’t a shotgun.
Looking into my eyes, he nodded, “Yep….I guess that you can say that you found the hermit. And I’m a guessin’ that you are probably gonna’ need this as well.”
In his hands, he was holding a silver axe.

4-09-07
The cold wetness of the night air slapped me across the face with a ferocity that was unexpected. I was near the end of the tunnel which stretched before me like a tomb. I had almost expected to be trapped forever…stumbling through the dark until I died.
Marianne had shown me the way into the tunnel underneath the statue of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Mumbling nonsense about a moonstone path, she had bid me to make haste and find the hermit who lived nearby. All that I knew was that I had picked up a one-eyed stranger earlier in the evening who had turned out to be a lunatic. The women in the stone building that I had just exited called him a Dar-koth…or demon of some kind. According to them, he was after me to kill me…and devour my soul. I had even believed that the statue of the Pillsbury Dough Boy had spoken to me.
“That’s just ridiculous,” I muttered to myself, “Nothing like that happens in real life…only in stories.”
Now that I was free from the insanity behind me, I made up my mind to try to circle back around through the woods and find the road again. Perhaps my car would be working again, if I could find it. Or maybe I could flag down someone who could take me to Wal-Mart…or a phone. I knew that there was a BP gas station just up the road from here.
I pushed away the branches that grew to cover the exit from the tunnel and stepped out into the night. The heavy rains had stopped, but there was still a light mist falling from the sky. I started to shiver. It seemed that the temperature had dropped quite a few degrees from before. How was I ever going to find my way out of this mess?
I stopped…aware that I was standing open-mouthed yet again. I had been in this awkward position so many times this evening that it was amazing that a moth or other flying insect hadn’t taken up residence inside my mouth. Of course with my luck it would have been something more sinister…like a bat….with rabies.
Before me stretched a path. That wasn’t too amazing. After all, there are many paths in life. We are all on a path if you think about it.
What was amazing about this path was that it was lined in stones that glowed with a soft, pale luminosity. Instantly I thought of the moon. It was almost like pieces of the moon had broken off and fallen to earth. The glow wasn’t steady. Instead, it faintly pulsed…like a heartbeat. In the darkness of the forest, this one little light seemed so warm…so comforting. But my soul was chilled. I knew that I was looking at the prophesized moonstone path.
“It can’t be,” I whispered to the night, “This shouldn’t be here. It doesn’t make sense.”
If the night was going to answer back, it chose not to at that time. In the distance behind me, I could hear another howl of rage and pain that made me cry out in fear. It was the howl of the Dar-koth. Did he know that I was no longer in the stone house? I turned back to see if I could see anything….the house…the creature…anything. All that I saw were trees. I had been in the tunnel for at least 30 minutes. I had a good lead on the creature if it was coming after me. I had a sense though that it was still trying to figure out a way around Marianne and the other women. They said that they would keep it busy while I searched for…
“…the hermit,” I whispered, turning back onto the path and starting forward. Perhaps this was to be my destiny after all.
As I moved among the dark, dripping branches of the Eastern Kentucky night, I tried to remember how I had been just two hours prior. I had been happy and warm back in my little log home in Hardshell. It had been my own gluttonous desires that had sent me into the darkness on a quest for chocolate chip cookies. How I started to loathe the very thought of those cookies now! They were the very reason why I was in this mess. Still…if I was offered a large, chewy, warm chocolate chip cookie, I knew that I couldn’t resist. They were my one true weakness. Hey….what could I say….I was weak! We all have our vices, after all.
I must have walked for about 45 minutes. I thought that it was strange that I hadn’t come upon any roads or other paths since I had been in the woods. I wasn’t much of a woodsman…unlike my father. However, I did know that these woods weren’t THAT big. I should have come upon some sort of civilization within the amount of time that I had spent walking.
“Maybe I’m going in circles,” I muttered aloud, my heart starting to beat a little bit faster.
Perhaps I was just circling about….back to the clutches of the madman…demon…Dar-koth. No wonder I hadn’t heard the Dar-koth pursuing me. He hadn’t had to. He was just waiting patiently for me to stumble blindly….panting and out of energy…back to his clutches. What would happen then? Would he kill me like the women had said? Was he just a madman…or something far more sinister? I almost felt like turning around and running back to the tunnel.
And yet…the moonstone path (if you could call it that) had remained true. The softly glowing stones continued to draw me deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of the forest. Deep down, I sensed that the only way to salvation was to continue my forward trudge. I was going to face my fate like a man….not like some dog with its tail tucked neatly between its legs. My death would not come easy.
It was at that very moment that I thought that I heard something moving in the bushes off to my right. I stopped dead in my tracks. The only sound was the quickened sound of my frantic breathing which I tried to control. My eyes scanned the darkness, searching for movement. I neither saw nor heard anything. My imagination must have been running wild like an uncaged beast. That was dangerous in turbulent times such as this one.
I began to cautiously move once again down the moonstone path. However, this time, my hands were drawn up into two trembling fists. I was aware that my teeth had pulled back from my lips in an animalistic snarl. Was I becoming a savage? I guess that in desperate times…people will do desperate things. I was prepared to attack whatever was stalking me and rip at it with my claws and teeth.
The sound came again. Once again, it was from my right. Only this time…it was much closer. Too close! I stopped. My fear was starting to turn into anger. Was it the Dar-koth? Was he playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse?
“Come on out!” I roared into the night. I was afraid and yet ashamed of my fear. I wanted to face this strangeness head on and battle it to the death. I wanted for this madness to end…one way or the other.
It was at the last second that I realized that I heard the steady sound of running footsteps and breaking branches…from behind me! I tried to turn and face whatever danger was lurking there….be it human or demon. Instead, I was tackled at the last second. A large heavy form toppled me into the wet leaves and lay with a crushing weight on top of me. I struggled to free myself from almost certain death. The Dar-koth! He had found me! I was as good as dead. I wondered if I would die quickly….or slow and painfully. Strangely enough, my last thoughts before I blacked out were that I would never again enjoy warm, delicious chocolate chip cookie. Then…the darkness took hold of my mind and I sank into sweet oblivion.

3-26-07
The oracle was speaking. Amazingly, it sounded just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy on all of the television commercials. At any time, I half expected it to break out with a nice little, Nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven! But it didn’t. Instead, I heard the following verse resounding inside my frantic mind.
One is cursed
By Dar-koth’s greed
A midnight feeder
Now the feed
To break the curse
Escape the wrath
Allow your feet
Down moonstone path
To foil the evil
Find the three
Along the path
They will be seen
The hermit lone
Away from all,
A silver wedge
For trees to fall
And last the twins
Imprisoned they,
Defeat Dar-koth
Before new day
Regain your life
Through toil and toll
Or fail the quest
And lose your soul.
And then, just as suddenly as it had started, the voice ended its rhyming chant. Around me, the women were still dancing about and chanting their wonderful song inside their throats. Chocolate from the chocolate chip cookies had coated their lips, making them appear to be wearing some hideous makeup. It was especially alarming against their pale white faces.
I noticed that the “oracle” was once again just a giant statue of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The shining wisdom that I had seen glowing in the bright red eyes was gone. Whatever force or spirit which had inhabited the thing was gone. We were once again alone.
I felt a shiver run through my very soul. I had no idea what the oracle was speaking about. Was I the one who was cursed by the Dar-koth? Apparently so, since it had been chasing me through the forest earlier in the evening.
“I’m never picking up another hitch-hiker again,” I muttered to myself as the dancing wonders around me began to calm themselves down to a trot.
“You are blessed!” one of the women came running up to me, “The oracle spoke directly to you. That is rare indeed!”
“Yes, sister,” the young blonde woman who had shown me in earlier said, “But he is also cursed. The Dar-koth wishes to feed on his blood…and soul. You heard that thing outside!”
It was all too much for me. I just wanted a nice place to sit down. Didn’t these women ever stop moving about? They were making me dizzy with their frantic movements and their weird singing. I just wanted some peace and quiet…and to wake up from this crazy dream.
The young blonde must have realized that I was starting to freak out because she clapped her hands, making the others stop their hurried dancing. With the ceremony over, they quickly cleared the room, leaving me alone with her.
“What is going on here?” I asked her, helpless in my confusion.
“I know that all of this must be strange to you,” she said, looking into my pleading eyes, “It is often strange when the boundaries of our world start to slip. Most people don’t even know that things like the Dar-koth and the oracle even exist. You are lucky.”
“Lucky!” I snorted, “If you think that it is lucky to be chased by some madman through the woods on a rainy night then..”
“I only meant to say that you are lucky to be able to sense the unseen world,” she quickly interrupted, “To see things that others only dream about. I feel that this is the reason that the Dar-koth is after you. You are one of the special few who are not afraid to peer into the mists…to dare to dream.”
“Listen lady,” I started toward the door, just wanting to escape this madness, “I don’t know what kind of whacks you and your dancing friends are, and I don’t really care. Just let me out of here and we’ll call it even…ok? I won’t even go to the cops.”
“My name is Marianne,” she spoke with the voice of authority, making me stop in mid-step, “And if you leave this place that way, the Dar-koth will be upon you in an instant. He is a powerful creature…but he can be defeated. Did you not listen to the oracle?”
The Dar-koth….the oracle….it was all too much. I let out a cry of frustration and grabbed the closest thing that I could reach, which happened to be one of the leftover chocolate chip cookies, and flung it against the floor. It was so soft and chewy that it just splattered in a little pile. I felt like my mind was splitting in half.
“So what do you suggest?” I asked this lady who called herself Marianne, “That I just live here the rest of my life? I do have a wife who will come looking for me eventually you know.”
She smiled at me again, “Of course not. Did you not hear the oracle? You have only until daybreak. After that, I don’t think that even we can stop the Dar-koth from taking you. You must find the three of which the oracle spoke. Did you listen? Oh stranger! Your very life….very soul….depends upon it!”
I tried to remember what the oracle had said. Something about a moonstone path….and three things…or people. I think one of them might have been a crab…no…a hermit! That was it!
“I have to follow something called a moonstone path and find a hermit,” I said slowly, trying to remember what else the Pillsbury Dough Boy had chorused to me just moments earlier.
Marianne stared at me for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. She then ran to the idol to pastry lovers everywhere. I kid you not when she reached up and pushed in on the things belly. With a giggle that seemed to come from everywhere at once, the giant Pillsbury Dough Boy slid backwards across the floor revealing a set of stone steps leading down into a dark corridor.
“Quickly!” Marianne said, “Follow this passageway. It will lead you outside. There you will find the moonstone path. Just look for the rocks that glow like the moon. They will lead you to the hermit.”
“But I can’t remember the rest of the rhyme!” I insisted as she pushed me down the steps into the darkness.
“You must try to remember!” she whispered urgently, prodding me along, “Your very life and soul depend upon it. Make haste! The sun will rise shortly. The sisters and I will distract the Dar-koth for the moment in order to give you some time. But it will soon realize that you are gone! Quickly…before it is too late! Find the hermit.”
The statue slid back into place over my head, leaving me alone in the dark. Was this to be my grave? With my heart beating wildly in my throat, I began to feel my way through the pitch. I knew that I was going to die. I had to find the hermit…whoever he was!

3-19-07
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The so-called inner sanctum of the building in which I now stood was much larger than I had thought that it would be. I didn’t recall this building being so huge while I was standing outside. However, I will admit that it had been raining and dark. Also, I had been running for my life from the one-eyed stranger that these weird ladies called the Dar-koth. All of that had been strange…very strange indeed. But the strangest thing was what I was seeing before me.
In the middle of the enormous room stood a statue of the Pillsbury Dough Boy that had to be at least 15 feet tall. It was in the perfect stance of giggling, just like on the television commercials. Hideous in its size, the statue was made even more ominous by the fact that someone had removed the lovable eyes that we all know belong on the Pillsbury Dough Boy and had replaced them with large red stones. It looked like his eyes were bleeding.
“What is this place?” I asked, gaping at the giant form before me. The women in white were staring up at it in worshipful awe. In addition to the three that I had already met, I saw four others. That made a total of seven women with unnaturally white skin dressed in long white robes. It was just getting stranger and stranger.
“Behold…the oracle!” the women cried out in unison. Apparently they were speaking of this huge idol inspired by the Pillsbury company. I wondered where they had obtained such an item. Had they stolen it? Surely things like this weren’t common property!
The room felt like it was spinning around me. I could no longer hear the cries and screams of the Dar-koth. But I was now surrounded with a new form of insanity. All that I had wanted were some…
“Chocolate chip cookies!” I yelled out in surprise as the young blonde woman who had originally shown me into the building arrived in front of me with a large plate overflowing with enormous, chewy chocolate chip cookies. My hand reached out instinctively for one, but she smacked it away.
“Wait!” she cried out, smiling mischievously, “We must summon the oracle before we take communion!”
Communion? Was this some sort of twisted cult? I hoped that they weren’t going to pull out vials of poisoned Kool-Aid and expect me to join them in a tiny bit of ritualistic suicide. The women had gathered together around the statue of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I could hear a low chant begin to form in their throats.
It was weird. That is all that I can say. I could never make out what they were saying because the sounds never fully sounded from their lips. It was like they were singing inside their own throats. The sounds remained low and muffled….secret. Then again, it was like I could understand every word with perfect clarity. I kept catching images of doors, unlocking in my mind and opening themselves to reveal the secrets of the universe. Just when I thought that I had my finger on a major revelation, however, the song would shift just a bit to the left, and I would lose it again. Frustrating….true. But it was beautiful.
I stared, my mouth hanging open, as the song seemed to lift into the air and circle around the pastry idol that stood before me. My heart started to race again as I noticed the red stones in the thing’s face begin to take on a newly found luster. It was almost as if they were watching me. A sweat broke out upon my face, and I felt the sudden need to sit down. Since there were no chairs, I sank slowly to the cold, stone floor.
“The oracle has awoken!” the women cried out in unison, their voices continuing to chant their strange messages into the air around us. I suddenly realized that I was also chanting along with them. I had no idea what I was saying or how I even knew what to say. All that I knew was that I was joining my voice to theirs.
“Here, take communion with us,” the young blonde woman had returned. She was offering me the plate of chocolate chip cookies again.
As if in a trance, I reached out and grabbed a large warm cookie which seemed to beat with a life-force of its own. Would it screech in pain when I ate it? I bit into the soft cookie, half expecting blood to run out of it and drip down my face…but there was only the taste of the chocolate chunks melting delectably on my tongue. I devoured the rest of the cookie in a few bites, noticing that the others around me were also eating cookies from the plate and smiling at me.
Soon, the young blonde returned with a great golden chalice. Strange runes encrusted the outer rim as the bejeweled handle twinkled hypnotically in the candlelight.
“Drink,” she whispered, placing the heavy cup to my chocolate coated lips.
The milk was warm and delicious. It ran down my gullet, warming me both inside and out. Once again, I felt as though all of the mysteries of the universe were within my grasp…just slightly out of reach.
The room took on an unnatural sheen. I wondered if I had been drugged….visions of Jonestown running through my mind. Wouldn’t this make a lovely picture for the evening news? I could see the headlines now…Man Killed in a Cookie Coven. Poisoned Pastry to Blame.
I glanced up and my heart skipped a beat. The Pillsbury Dough Boy was staring right at me! I was sure that his head had been staring straight ahead earlier. Now, it was bent toward the ground…the large red eyes gleaming and shining. I was too much in shock to move…or perhaps it was the drugged cookies stealing their tiny purchases into my dying brain. I wasn’t sure.
“Listen stranger!” the women were dancing around me, their robes flapping and their hair flying in strange patterns that seemed to spell out the recipe for creation, “The oracle is speaking!”
And I could hear it. God help me, I could hear the voice of the thing. It echoed in my mind and reverberated inside my skull. I will never forget what it said….

3-13-07
I was running blind. My panic raced through my veins, a hot lion of emotion that chased away all rational thought and left me frantically stumbling in the dark. The rain was an icy sheet around me, soaking my soul as well as my flesh. Tree roots tripped my feet and threatened to spill me onto the forest floor. Brambles and briars ripped at my clothing and flesh, sending sharp white ribbons of pain that remained unfelt until later. Branches clawed at my face, scratching for purchase on anything soft and fleshy. I dangerously came close to losing an eye myself…just like the creature which now stalked me in my midnight prison.
Panic does strange things to people. My body was wired on adrenaline. It was fight or flight time, and I was in full flight. My mind, however, was shutting down. Instead of the rapid thoughts that an intelligent person would possess, I was now an animal, scrambling in fear from the dark shadow of the overhead hawk or the oncoming coyote. If there had been a hole that was large enough, I would have probably tried to burrow into it. In the back of my dangerously diminished mind, I was still somehow aware that I was whimpering aloud.
Behind me, the chortling laugh of the madman was coming ever closer. The voice was unnatural and seemed to carry with perfect clarity, even in the rampage of the storm which was unleashing around me. An insane thought drove itself into my mind, a steel pick from the depths of my subconscious, that he was not walking through the woods…but floating. I didn’t know how I knew this, but it was as if God’s camera had taken a photograph and implanted it into my brain. And, I also knew, that he was still eating that large chocolate chip cookie.
A cry of desperation tore itself from my throat, burning and tingling its way from the pit of my stomach. Death does not come easy for most of us, and I could hear the final throngs of my own mortality. So therefore, it was quite a surprise when I broke from the tangled limbs of the woods and stumbled into a dimly lit clearing.
Before me sat a small stone building. It appeared to be old, but the occupants had clearly kept it in good order. No stones were missing and the roof appeared to be in good repair. In fact…and my heart skipped a beat in joy at this prospect…there appeared to be people inside the building. Could this be my salvation?
As if in answer to my unspoken prayer, the door quickly opened and the face of a young woman appeared. She was dressed in a white robe and was staring at me as if in shock. She snapped from this unnatural state just as quickly however as the chortling behind me turned into a howl of rage.
“Quickly stranger,” she beckoned with one long thin arm, “Enter…if you value your life.”
Glad to be out of the rain and away from certain doom, I made haste and scurried through the door. With a soft but solid click, the door closed behind me. I saw with great satisfaction that a large wooden beam was settled into place over the door, locking it from outside influences…namely, an insane one-eyed stranger who was obviously intent on killing me (or worse)!
“Quick,” I shouted, “Call the police. There’s a crazy man following me…he seems dangerous…we’ve got to get the cops up here.”
The woman simply smiled at me. I saw now that she was young, her long blonde hair falling gracefully over her narrow shoulders. Her blue eyes, so perfect in the candlelight which twinkled around us, were sparkling with patience…and was that slight amusement as well? I saw that her skin was white…almost like marble. There was little contrast with the white robes which swaddled her as she stood listening to my emotional ravings.
“I’m afraid that won’t be possible,” she simply stated, “We haven’t a telephone here. But don’t fear. You are quite safe.”
“What do you mean!” I stomped over to the small window, knowing that I would see the face of my oppressor staring back at me with one-eyed glee and murderous intention, “I told you…there is someone following me. He’s crazy…he could break in here at any minute and kill us both….”
“The Dar-koth will not enter this domain,” the woman’s voice was strangely calm, “His domain is the darkness. This is a holy place.”
I looked around. Was I in some sort of church? That would explain the peaceful feeling that had swept over me, slowing my racing heart and calming my panicked mind. It didn’t look much like any church I had ever seen before though. And who had a church out in the middle of the woods?
“Dar-koth?” I asked, walking away from the window, which was streaked with the fierceness of the outside storm, “I don’t understand.”
“The creature that chases you,” the woman walked over to a small table that stood in the center of the little room and rang a tiny silver bell, “We call it Dar-koth. It is…a demon. Evil spirit. A rage. Whatever you prefer.”
“It is evil,” she continued, “And it wants your blood…and your soul. For some reason…which I do not know…it has bonded to you…with you. It will not rest…cannot rest…until you are dead.”
I shivered. She was just as crazy as the man who was chasing me. A sudden horrific thought crossed my mind that she was perhaps related to him. Maybe they were in on this together. What if the bell was to summon him? Would he enter the room now….also dressed in a white robe…and carrying a sacrificial knife of some kind? My eyes scanned the room for a weapon of some sort. I had to protect myself!
“Don’t be alarmed!” the woman smiled gently, sensing my fear, “You are quite safe here. The Dar-koth cannot enter. This is a place of peace.”
A small door at the far end of the room opened and two more women walked through. I sighed with relief. At least it wasn’t my stalker.
These women were much older. There skin wasn’t as smooth, although it was still an unnatural white. There hair was silver and it shone with a magnificent brilliance in the light of the flickering candles. They walked toward us, also dressed in white robes.
“Is this the one?” one of them spoke, her voice quivering with excitement like a small child on Christmas morning, “Is this the one of whom the oracle spoke?”
I was confused…and ready to bolt out the door. I had only wanted to go to Wal-Mart and purchase some chocolate chip cookies. Now, I felt as though I had slipped down Alice’s rabbit hole. What in the world was going on?
Outside the door, a sharp roar of pain and rage rang out. Although I felt safe inside the little house, my skin suddenly covered itself in tiny bumps. My hair rose and my teeth started dancing. I felt as though someone had reached out and grabbed hold of my very soul. A dark despair began to flow through me, and I was horrified to find myself shuffling slowly toward the door.
“Hold him sisters,” the young woman pointed toward me, “He is answering the call of the Dar-koth. We must take him into the inner sanctum. Only there will he be truly safe. And that is where we can tell him what he must do if he ever wishes to survive with his life…and his very soul.”
Although I wanted to go with the women and get away from the dark horror which waited for me outside, I found myself struggling. Part of me, it seemed, wanted to run toward the certain death which waited for me outside the large wooden door. Part of me craved it…much as I was still craving the chocolate chip cookies which had started this entire mess.
“Come now,” the old women cooed in soft voices, their hands gently but firmly tugging me toward the door at the end of the room, “Don’t fight. You want to live, don’t you?”
In the end, my love of life won over. Although the dark howls coming from outside still tugged at some place in my soul, I crossed into a much larger room. The door shut behind me, instantly cutting out the sounds of my oppressor. I looked around me in amazement.
“Welcome to the inner sanctum,” the young woman stood before me, standing in front of the most bizarre thing that I had ever seen in my life, “Welcome to your destiny.”
I could not believe what I was seeing.

3-05-07
I almost started to scream. The sound was alive and well in my throat but died as it moved over my tongue. Instead a small whimper managed to escape from my quivering lips. Why had I picked up this freak in the first place? This wasn’t like me. It was like I was living in the pages of a tacky suspense story written by some two-bit hack of a writer. I decided to make the best of it.
“Wow,” I managed to sputter out, trying to just ignore what the guy had previously said, “That was a close call, wasn’t it?”
The young fellow just turned his head and stared out of the front windshield again. The storm had really started to howl outside the car, and I felt like joining it. All I needed now was for his head to start twirling around and around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
“All I wanted were some blasted chocolate chip cookies,” I muttered under my breath as I put the car into drive and pressed my foot down on the gas, “How do I get myself into these situations?”
As my foot pressed harder on the acceleration pedal, I suddenly noticed that we weren’t accelerating. In fact, we were doing quite the opposite. Suddenly my entire dash lit up like a Christmas tree on methadone. Lights were blinking, buzzers were buzzing, and I was cussing.
I managed to get my car over to the side of the road so that it wouldn’t be smashed to bits by some random drunk flying through the hills of Eastern Kentucky on his way to the Red Rooster before it officially closed for the night. As my car lurched to the side of the road, white smoke began to belch forth from under the hood. All I needed now was for the cliché sound of a backfire. As if to answer my thoughts, a shot rang out into the night.
So there I sat. Stuck beside the road, in the middle of the night, with my car belching smoke and random bangs. To top it off, I had managed to pick up one of the contestants from FOX’s new reality show, Who Wants to Marry a Serial Killer! I half expected him to start muttering under his breath about how he wanted to cut me open and free the tiny aliens which were trapped underneath my skin.
I glanced nervously over at my traveling companion, “Looks like we’re stuck.”
He continued to stare out into the inky night air and did not speak a word. I closed my eyes and tried to mutter a prayer. It had been months…years…since I had prayed, and I hoped that I was still able to do it. Wasn’t it like riding a bicycle?
I knew that I was going to feel the icy hot steel of a knife stick into my chest at any moment. In fact, having my eyes closed just made my feel even more trapped. I decided that I would finish praying with my eyes wide open…just in case.
I glanced over, knowing that the last face I would see on the planet would be the one-eyed freak smiling at me gently as he carved me into a million pieces. Was I going to end up in someone’s freezer? I hoped that he froze my best parts. I wouldn’t want the police to find me in a few years and go, “What in the world is THAT?”
The seat was empty.
I hadn’t heard the door open. I hadn’t heard him leave. I was sure of it.
With a trembling hand, I reached over and felt the door. It was dry. I knew that there was no way that he could have gotten out of the car in this terrible storm without getting the door wet from all of the rain. Squeaking like a mouse, I fumbled for the button which locked all of the doors. If he was outside of the car, I didn’t want to take a chance of him getting back inside.
I peered out into the night. I couldn’t see anything except the rain….and the smoke which still continued to seep out from under the hood of my cursed car. It was growing less thick, however. Perhaps this was a good sign.
I took another look back over at the empty seat beside of me. I still couldn’t believe that he…whoever he had been…was gone. And yet, the seat was empty.
As I looked closer though, I realized that the seat was not completely empty. Something was wedged into the crack between the seat and the back of the seat…something small and black. I reached over and gently tugged at the object. It came out freely. With one quick motion, I clicked on the dim overhead light so that I could see well. It was a feather. A black feather. A crow feather.
A low crunching sound was coming from the back seat. Startled, I looked up into the rearview mirror. As a wave of panic crashed into me like an ocean wave made entirely of needles, I saw that he had returned. He was in the back seat. His one good eye was twinkling in the dim overhead light. His other eye was still a gaping black hole.
But the worst thing was that he was eating a large chocolate chip cookie. He ate with rapid jaw movements…like an animal. Bits of cookie were flying crazily from his fiercely smacking lips.
“Ssss Goooood,” he slurred out, spewing crumbs over the back of my head and neck.
With one enormous bellow, I was out of the car and running blindly into the driving rain. I dashed off of the road in my panic and into the thick trees of the nearby woods. I didn’t stop running….even when the branches of the trees started to scratch at my face. I was lost in the woods….in the middle of the night….during a terrible storm. Behind me, I could hear a mad chortling. I wasn’t alone.
What will happen next? Find out next week!

2-26-07
It was midnight. The late night crickets were chirping out a sweet lullaby that had soothed the world to sleep. But not me. I was awake. Painfully awake. I paced back and forth on the worn, wooden floor of my living room with only one thought on my mind. Chocolate chip cookies. I had to have one. No…scratch that. I wanted a whole bag.
Not just the dry, crumbly ones either. What I wanted were the big, soft, chewy kind that come in a pack of 3 for $10.00. Pricey? You bet! But worth every penny. My mouth was watering with anticipation. I just had to have a bite…a mouthful….of gooey chocolate chip delight. I knew that I would surely die if I didn’t have one.
OK. So I probably wouldn’t die. But I didn’t think that life was much worth living without a bite of chocolate wonder. I just had to have the object of my desire! The only problem was that it was midnight, and I lived out in the middle of nowhere. Not many people have ever realized just how big Breathitt County is. That is…until they are stuck in it…in the middle of the night….with a chocolate craving.
I knew what I had to do. I had to make a trek to the 24 hour Wal-Mart in Hazard in order to purchase a package of the biggest, chewiest chocolate chip cookies that I could find. Like a junkie searching for my next fix, I grabbed my keys, gave a squeal of delight, and roared off in my little car.
My headlights probed the foggy darkness…two probing eyes. I was on the lookout for any stray deer or other wild animal that might choose to end it all in the path of my car. I didn’t want to be an aide in some beast’s suicide attempt so I drove carefully. As I drove through the hills of first Breathitt and then Perry County, I chanted my mantra. “I’m on my way to get the cookies. I’m on my way to get them now.” Over and over, I continued with my jingle as if by magic it would get me to my destination all the faster. I noticed that it had started to drizzle small droplets on the windshield. A storm was starting to brew in the dark heavens overhead.
Once, as I was passing into Perry County, a slightly obese skunk waddled in front of my car. I managed to swerve quickly and avoid it. Leaving in the middle of the night in order to purchase cookies would be something that I could easily manage to explain to my wife. Coming home with a car that reeked of skunk odor for weeks would not be as easily forgiven.
However, the sight of the skunk reminded me to be careful. I didn’t want to hit a deer. My wife had hit one a couple of years before and had nearly totaled the car. A repeat performance was not wanted!
As I neared the top of Rowdy hill, I noticed a man walking along the road. Normally, I don’t pick up hitch hikers. It is a general rule of mine. However, this guy looked friendly enough. Besides…it had started to rain. All of these things meshed together in my mind, and I found myself slowing down. I rolled down my window and yelled out the window, “Need a ride? I’m heading to Wal-Mart in Hazard if you want a ride that far.”
“Thanks man,” the young fellow said, hoping into the car as the rain started to come down in earnest outside, “I thought that I was going to be caught in this storm.”
We drove on in silence for a little while. In the back of my mind, I was chastising myself for picking up some random stranger on a dark, stormy night in the middle of nowhere. But what can I say? My mind was clouded by the thoughts of those chocolate chip cookies. With each passing mile, I was closer to my objective. I could almost smell them.
Suddenly, what I feared the most happened. A deer darted out into the road in front of my car. I screeched the brakes roughly, making the car turn sideways on the wet pavement. For one brief second, I could have sworn that I had hit the animal. I actually felt a bump. The car continued to swerve madly and my world took on a crazy, hallucinogenic swirl. Oddly enough, I was still thinking about those delectable chocolate chip cookies.
In a matter of seconds which seemed to stretch on for days, my car came to a stop. My heart was racing and a dry bitter taste was alive in my mouth. I saw with alarming fear that I had almost plunged over the high bank and into the deep, rocky valley below. I knew that I had just escaped serious injury…or death…by a mere few feet.
“Are you ok?” I asked the young fellow who was sitting strangely still beside me.
“Fine,” was all that he said.
I didn’t take the time to think about how strange he was acting. I just knew that I had to get the car turned around before a truck or some drunk came whizzing around the curve. I just couldn’t die on my way for something as frivolous as a pack of cookies. Just what would I tell Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates? I’m sure that he would get a big laugh out of it!
Just then, my hitch hiking friend spoke again, his voice deep and guttural, like his tongue was thick and swollen, “You know…you don’t have to rush. The store isn’t going to run out of chocolate chip cookies.”
“Yeah, I guess that you are right,” I smiled weakly and managed to get car back onto the road.
Just then it hit me, “Hey! How did you know that I was going to buy cookies?”
I screeched the car to a halt as the rain started to pour down around us. The sound was deafening on the roof, but I heard every word that he said with perfect, chilling clarity.
“I know a lot of things about you.”
He turned toward me. That is when I noticed that he didn’t have a right eye. There was just an empty black socket staring back at me.
What will happen next? Find out next week! Until then….class dismissed!

2-05-07
We haven’t been to school for three days this week due to illness. There were a lot of kids sick in Breathitt County. I hope that everyone is feeling better and is back at school by the time this issue of Kentucky Mountain News is out. Luckily, everyone here in the Fugate household has been in good health.
Lisa and I went to visit her mother, Janet Wagoner, yesterday. She always tells me that I’m her favorite son-in-law. Of course, Lisa then reminds her that I’m her ONLY son-in-law since Lisa is an only child. I guess that she is my favorite mother-in-law (out of all the mother-in-laws that I have!!! HA!). She reads the Kentucky Mountain News each and every week. I told her that I would have to write about her. So…here you go Janet! This one’s for you!
Actually, I admire Janet a lot. She is a very strong woman. Of course, she has to be to put up with Lisa and me! Seriously though, she is very thoughtful and loving. I am proud to have her in my life.
Speaking of Lisa being an only child, many people ask me how we get along since I am an only child as well. Only children are well known for being spoiled. I just tell them the truth. We both let each other have our own way and then we don’t have any problems. So far it has worked. We will have been married 15 years this coming May.
Since I don’t have the power to say no to my lovely wife, I now find myself a proud new parent to a lovely little mini dachshund. Her name is Miz Sassy Belle. We stopped off at True Value on the way home from Janet’s. We had been looking for a mini dachshund for some time, and therefore, we were very pleased to see that they had some of the most beautiful little dogs we had ever seen.
Of course, Lisa fell in love immediately. At first, I wasn’t sure if now was the best time to purchase a new dog. We work a lot and like to travel. However, we have been considering getting a new dog. Our old cocker spaniel mix, Pepper, is getting older by the day. She is going on 15 right now, which is pretty old for a dog. Our beagle, Sadie, will be heartbroken when Pepper finally goes on to Doggy Heaven, so we have decided to get a new dog for her now so that she can get used to it. Also, Lisa and I both just really love dogs.
So, we ended up purchasing a cute little bundle of joy. She is a mini, so she isn’t going to get very big. Of course, we said that about Sadie and are now having to send her to Jenny Craig! LOL! As new parents, we have had a few sleepless nights as Sassy howls and whines in her cage. I know that it will pass in time, but it just breaks my heart. I just want to hold her every minute of the day.
It is always exciting to welcome a new member into the family. Sassy is the latest member of the Fugate family. Now if we could just get Sadie used to her. Sadie easily outweighs the new puppy by at least 50 pounds but is scared to death of her. She runs off and hides whenever the puppy is around. It is really quite funny if you think about it. I am sure though that Sadie and Sassy will become good friends in time.
In closing, remember that love is something that continues to grow the more that you give it away. Keep giving away that love and you will get back more in

1-24-07
Hello everybody! Sorry that I didn’t have an article in last week’s paper, but I was occupied with getting ready to go to Gatlinburg, TN over the long, holiday weekend. It has become something of a tradition in the Fugate household to travel to Gatlinburg each year over the Martin Luther King holiday weekend. It is a good little trip. True…it is a short trip. However, it is long enough so that you feel like you are actually getting away!
When we went to Punta Cana last November, I was amazed at the number of people from Puerto Rico who were visiting. Puerto Rico, after all, is just right next door. Now, I can sort of understand it. It is just like people from Kentucky making a trip for a long weekend in Gatlinburg. You feel like you are on a little vacation, but you aren’t that far from home. You have the best of both worlds.
If you have never been to Gatlinburg, you are missing out on a real treat. There are tons of shops and restaurants. In addition, there are numerous places that offer all kinds of distractions and junk that will soon part you with your money. In other words, it is a little piece of tourist trap heaven.
My favorite place to eat in the Pigeon Forge / Gatlinburg area is The Old Mill Restaurant. Just like the name states, this place was once a working mill. Now, however, it is the home to some of the best chicken and dumplings that I have ever eaten (sorry Mom)! With each meal, you get homemade corn fritters and corn chowder. This corn chowder is AMAZING! It is so thick and creamy that you just want to gobble down buckets of it. And the fritters? Well…..everything tastes better when it is deep fried in grease, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t like a fritter?
After eating a huge meal, we all waddled next door to the Candy Kitchen. In this place you can watch as the workers prepare homemade fudge and taffy. Of course, we had to purchase mass quantities of each. After all….we had a coupon. It would be almost a sin not to use it! Walking out of the store, we clutched our three pounds of fudge and two pounds of taffy like it was precious gold. The vanilla walnut fudge is the best!
Another place that we love to eat in Gatlinburg is Applewood Farm and the Apple Barn. It also serves fritters….apple fritters. With these pieces of heavenly delight, you also get homemade apple butter, apple juleps, and homemade soup. Now mind you….this is all BEFORE you get your meal. If there is one thing about Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge….you won’t go hungry!
Besides eating, one thing that we love to do in Gatlinburg is ride the skylift. This is an annual ritual that takes us up the side of a very steep mountain. Once at the top, we have our picture taken, look out at the Great Smoky Mountains, and then ride back down. Between the price for the tickets and the price for the picture, we spend about $40. Whenever we get to Gatlinburg each year, Lisa will say, “Well, it is time to go and take our $40 picture.” We have one entire wall in our basement that is devoted to all of the pictures we have had made on the Gatlinburg skylift. I have a feeling that this tradition will continue for a very, very long time.
Of course, I couldn’t write about Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg without mentioning the shopping. There are shopping outlets everywhere! We shopped at Nike, the Disney Store, Tommy Hilfiger, Bath and Body Works, Reebok, and many other stores. There are some really great deals to be found. I bought a really great sweater at Tommy Hilfiger. It was originally $95, but I got it for just $29. What a bargain!
So, if you love to eat, love to shop, and love to have a great time, I highly recommend a little trip to Gatlinburg. It only takes about 3 or 4 hours to get there. As an added bonus, you can even take a visit to that Mecca of all things Parton…..Dollywood! If you love Dolly Parton like I love Dolly Parton……this is a trip that you can’t pass up!

1-07-07
Happy New Year everybody! Wow! I didn’t see that one coming at all. 2007 is already here. What happened to 2006? In fact, I spent all of last year thinking that it was 1999. Believe it or not, I was preparing for Y2K. I guess that the world didn’t end after all. Now what in the world am I going to do with that bomb shelter and a year’s supply of NutriGrain bars?
In all seriousness, I am very happy to see the New Year start. It means that the holiday eating season has ended. Although I loved being with my family and friends over the holiday, the wide variety of candies, cookies, cakes, pies, and other treats made it a nightmare for my waistline. I basically ate my way through the month of December. Now, I am back on my lifestyle change, a term used by my wife Lisa. What that means is that I am making use of that Do It Yourself Jaw Wiring kit that I got for Christmas. Wow…thanks Santa!
Whenever the New Year rolls around, I have noticed one thing. Everyone on the face of the planet goes crazy. It’s true! It seems that everyone you talk to is going to do several things that include:
1.losing 300 pounds in one month
2.becoming rich and famous
3.stopping that nasty habit of smoking
4.running 20 miles each day
5.eating only grass and oats for a healthier heart
In other words, everyone is going to turn into Anna Nicole Smith. Could you imagine what the world would be like then? I actually think that it is one of the prophecies of Nostradamus that deals with the end of the world. Hmmm…perhaps Y2K is on its way after all!
Anyway, I know that people start going all nutty over making these so-called New Year Resolutions at this time of year. They make all sorts of promises to live a healthier, better life. They also pledge to turn everything in their lives around RIGHT NOW! Let me give you a clue….it DOESN’T work! That would be like driving down the interstate at 75 miles per hour and suddenly throwing the car into reverse. It doesn’t really give you a good mental image.
I used to make New Year’s Resolutions. I would make vows that I was going to change everything bad about my life and improve myself and everyone around me. I knew that I could do it! And I did….for about ½ day. Then I would just revert back to my old habits and think, “Oh well. There’s always next year.”
So instead of making a bunch of lies that you know deep down in your heart that you have no intention of keeping, I suggest that each person make ONE vow to TRY to make a REALISTIC change in their lives. Notice those words….one change…..going to try…..and realistic. For example, a person might make a resolution that they are going to save 1 million dollars by the end of the year or even that they are going to lose 200 pounds by the end of the year. How realistic is that? Let’s make some changes, shall we?
First of all, don’t say that you are definitely going to do something. Believe it or not, there are actually people in this world who love to see other people fail…they are called lawyers. No..no..just kidding. Believe me thought that if you come right out and say that you are definitely going to do something, there will be some people out there who will try to sabotage you. Usually, these people are just frightened because they think that you are going to change and leave their lazy butts behind. So, instead of making changes themselves, they will just sabotage you.
Second, make only one major change in your life. Don’t try to change everything all at once. Your body goes into shock and nothing you do sticks. Think about Michael Jackson’s face. He tried to change everything all at once. His body went into shock…and apparently his nose doesn’t stick on anymore. Do you want that to be you?
Finally, be realistic. If you are living from paycheck to paycheck, don’t expect to create a huge savings account. Perhaps all that you can save is 20 dollars a month. Well, that is something, isn’t it? At the end of the year, you will have 240 dollars that you wouldn’t have had otherwise. Then, you can invest it in something that could bring you even more money…like scratch off lotto tickets! Somebody’s gotta’ win!

1-01-07
While traveling around yesterday, Lisa and I found a new favorite spot to shop, the Richmond Mall. We were on one of our little adventures where we just get in the car and take off, not knowing where we will end up for the day. It was a beautiful day, and so we wandered through a lot of back-roads until we just happened to find ourselves in Richmond. We hadn’t been there in a few months, so we decided to do some shopping.
Since we were having an early Christmas with our friends, Rod and Corrinna Middleton, from Morehead the next day, we decided to start at Goody’s. They have great shirts at a reasonable price. Also, Rod loves long-sleeved polo shirts, and Goody’s is one of the best places to get them, in my opinion.
While wandering through Goody’s, I finally realized that it was part of the Richmond Mall (duh!), and that we could go out into the mall and shop around at the other stores. Since we didn’t find what we wanted at Goody’s, we went looking around and stopped in at Dawhares. Luckily, they had an abundance of long-sleeved polos. We got a green-striped one that just looked like Rod!
When we left Dawhares, I spotted a Bath and Body Works right across from it! Our friend, Corrinna, loves Bath and Body Works products, so we jaunted on over. We quickly found her a nice bottle of Orange Ginger lotion. We also picked up some shower gel and Spicy Gingerbread lotion as well. Bath and Body Works is the best for last minute gifts!
Walking around the mall, we were amazed that we had never shopped here before. It isn’t a very large mall, like the Fayette Mall. However, that is a good thing. Sometimes I feel like the Fayette Mall is a black hole, sucking in everything until there is no escape! This was a good sized place with every store that one would need. It even has a theater…Movies 8!
We decided to see The Holiday one more time before we headed back home. This is a great Christmas movie that is currently playing in theaters everywhere. Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet star in the movie as two women who switch houses for the Christmas holiday. They are having trouble with love and decide to get away for a while. Of course, it wouldn’t be a romantic movie if they didn’t just happen to find love while on their vacation! It is a great movie. We have seen it twice, and Lisa wants to see it again before the holiday season is over.
Coming back home after the movie, we got to partake in one of the simple, free pleasures of the Christmas season….looking at Christmas lights. Some people just put up a few lights while others must have to take out a bank loan in order to pay the electric bill. We saw some really great displays. One great one was just outside Irvine. It was a huge star with sparkling beams of light that came down to a full-sized Nativity scene. The rest of their yard had reindeer, Santa, and other traditional objects of joy. Their house was aglow with Christmas cheer! If you haven’t been out driving around to look at Christmas lights, then you are missing a free show! You can literally go someplace new every night and see something different!
I hope that everyone has a great Holiday Season! Merry Christmas to all of my readers. I hope that you have a great time this year and that the new year brings you luck and prosperity. Be joyful…..be thankful…..and be safe! I want to see you back again next year in 2007!

For More Class Action Articles click here