joke1

Heard any good ones Lately????

All the Jokes on this page are clean and meant to make you Laugh, If you get offended easily, then this is not your place, so what are you waiting for, LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!! Some Jokes may not be suitable for children. Some Language may be offensive to children. As always, parents should monitor their childs internet activity. These jokes are in fun and not intended to offend anyone.

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Breathitt Opinion Board Click Here

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 8-8-03

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

Subject : Women's Thoughts
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

SMALL THOUGHTS "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey?...what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he
stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb....

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.......
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her,
hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her,
stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked, Bring beer.... Yep that will do it!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

7 reasons not to mess with a child
1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of
the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A bus carrying only ugly people 12-22-03

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each
before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous", and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says
"I want to be gorgeous too". Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".

Labor Pains 12-22-03 A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

Creative Accounting 12-22-03
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00." "Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Now What Do We Do ? 12-22-03
A minister is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the minister moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the minister smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

You Better Be Sure 12-22-03
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured.. "No, no, no!!!" She said "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the sex change surgery."

This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in the Iraq war and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands. She then landed her parachute right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she
ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

Lucky Lotto 1-21-04
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we???"

Did You Ever Wonder
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. It's "NAIVE!"
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
4. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
5. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
8. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam!
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

NORMAL SEX LIFE
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was
very adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten
was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could. This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself himself.

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2.If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3.If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4.Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5.If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6.If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7.Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8.The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9.Guys, the best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10.The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and
stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the
spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs, " Her father answered. After long pause the
little girl asked, "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" "No," her father replied. "Both of them are
Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be okay in California but we're not having any of that crap in Kentucky!"

Blonde Takes a Stand
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.
The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Dang, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
( the shoplifter special)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

STUPID SIGNS
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

BOUT Kentucky
Only natives are allowed to laugh at themselves.

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from U. K. and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Kentucky women
=================================

Kentucky Folk A group of KY friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke! of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
===============================================
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at UK was overheard saying that when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky. When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
==================================================
The young Kentuckian came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young Kentuckian answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
======================================================
NEWS FLASH! - Jackson, KY----- Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two U.K. students, crashed! into a cemetery earlier today in Jackson. County search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
======================================================
A KY State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

The Kentucky preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!" The preacher fainted.

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish" I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: �Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. Men might be bastards....But Fairies are..Female!

You Know You're From West Virginia if:
You know what a real tomato is and have a recipe for fried or candied ones.
Stores don't have bags; they have pokes. They don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
Your parents have threatened to have you sent to Pruneytown.
You can spell and pronounce words like Allegheny, Canaan, Gilmer, Monongalia, Monongahela, Kanawha and Hawks Nest.
You know West Virginia is a separate state, not a part of Virginia.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable or grain. (Strawberry Festival, Buckwheat Festival, Ramp, etc.)
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a coal truck on a two lane highway.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold or heat or hunting season.
You rode the school bus for an hour each way.
You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You've seen a car running in the parking lot at the super market no matter what time of the year.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with ice and snow.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You cook green beans for a really long time.
You don't ever park your car without setting the emergency brake.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six pages for sports.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You know if another Hillbilly is from southern, central or northern West Virginia as soon as they open their mouth.
You know at least one couple who went to Virginia or Kentucky to get married.
When you fry bologna, you know to cut the edges.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all of your West Virginia Friends.
PROUD TO BE A WEST VIRGINIAN

How to Drive People Insane (From email circular.)
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be Xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Challenge your Mind
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that
person is
not running the country.
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area
code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer

Women are like apples on trees:
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples - even those who have already been picked!

And remember ... Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
==============================

This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

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