| Breathitt Online News Jokes & Funny Pics |
| DEAD DOG A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it" the vet announced, "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330.00." the vet replied. "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330.00??" "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30.00 for the office visit and $300.00 for the cat scan." BACK IN THE HILLS An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle woo--OOO.... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper. His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely teakettle?" The mountain man replies: "You gotta kill these things when they're small." The Chief Priest Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here was complain." Is it a Religious Thing After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame announced that a new bellringer was needed. One of the applicants who came to him had no arms. The bishop asked him how he would ring the bell with no arms. The man replied, "I have a very strong forehead. It makes quite a lovely sound". So the Bishop asked for a demonstration. The no-armed man climbed the spiral staircase and ran toward the bell. He hit it full force, and it made a very nice sound. However, when the bell swung back, it hit him, knocking him out the window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. A crowd had gathered around the fallen figure and one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless man that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother." KING OF WHAT JUNGLE? A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! "Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away. The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so ticked off!" Interview With A Pirate I notice that you've got a peg leg, what happened to your leg? Pirate: Well ... It was a stormy night, the main spar fell on my leg. My ship was headed for the rocks, I had to take my faithful pocket knife and cut my leg off so I could steer my ship away from the rocks. You've got a hook in the place of your hand, what happened to your hand? Pirate: Well ... I was fishin', got too close to the water when a big ol' shark came along and bit my hand clean off. Got this nifty hook when we got to port. You're also wearing an eye patch, what about your eye? Pirate: Well ... I was lookin' up when this sea gull did his business in my eye. Surely that didn't cause you to lose an eye? Pirate: Well...ya see, it was my first day with the hook. THAT HAD TO HURT When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" "The balcony." STRONG MAN HUH? The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." WHERE IS BAGHDAD AGAIN? Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits own, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the groin, he's finally had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush says, through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?" The Creation of Kentucky Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah,"said God. "That's Kentucky, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Kentucky are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Indiana, and Tennessee." Brain Teaser Are you the 2% or the 98% This is strange...can you figure it out? Are you the 2% or 98% of the population? Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD! * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. * There's no trick or surprise. * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something). Think of a number from 1 to 10 Multiply that number by 9 If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together Now subtract 5 Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.) Think of a country that starts with that letter Remember the last letter of the name of that country Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter Remember the last letter in the name of that animal Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter Your answer is at the bottom of the page. Are you one of the 2% that thought of something different? Or are you like the rest of us, the 98%? The Following Food for Thoughts were posted on the Breathitt Opinion Board by EasyStreet. Thanks to both Easy & Breathitt Opinion Board ! What if there were no hypothetical questions? *Does a person ever get sick without being tired? *If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? *What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? *In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so? *When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? *Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? *Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? *Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? *Why do they call it life insurance? *If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? *If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? *How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? *When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? *Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? *Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? *Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? *Why do they call it life insurance? *If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? *If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? *How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? *Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils? *Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? *Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? *If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? *If you take the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk? *How do I set my laser printer on stun? *Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have? *How do you remove a club soda stain? *If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said 'Quit while you're ahead'? *What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about? *What are Preparation A thru Preparation G? *After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? *Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green? *Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? *If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? *What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours? *What happens if you get scared half to death twice? *What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? *In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? *If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? *If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? *Why is it that night falls but day breaks? *If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette? *Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? *Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? *Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID? *Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong? *When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? *What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? *If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? *Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? *If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry? *I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add. AND FINALLY *How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold? BRAIN TEASER ANSWER Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange? |
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